Getting my head around things at this time in my life is harder than anything. Why isn't it as simple as it used to be? I mean I got great grades at school and any job that I have done i have learnt the basics and built up on them and have accomplished several stages with flying colours. Always in reports as 'competant', 'reliable', 'hardworking'. If this is me then why is it so hard to compose even a half decent piece of writing. Whether it be prose or a blog. I see others and they write great scripts or pieces which are interesting and engrossing, whereas mine as just bits and pieces thrown together.
It feels that I am lacking in something I don't know of. Anything I do I always do my very best at, and if i don't I feel like a failure. High standards/expectations? I'm unable to comprehend why it is that i'm like this. Just breaking down shouldnt be who I am, however deep down; emotional is all that I seem to be. However, that emotion is then put into other things such as art, design, drawing, photography, cookery, video editing (even that has been lacking over recent months). I'd love to write and share experiences or constructive opinions. I have even gone as far as entering to become a writer for Muslim's in England...yet dare I say it, haven't sent my final copy CV type form in...is it fear of rejection setting in?
When I moved jobs internally at my work place, my team were put on a course called "Soul Train". It was one of the best experiences that I have ever had and it makes you extremely confident and alot more positive, as I generally am a pessimistic person [groan]. Then you think "we were only put on that for the company's benefit", so that makes me drop back to my original place...should it? The only one it is effecting is...me.
It probably sounds silly but I hate to be used or to do something that I am not comfortable with...
My head seems to be full but yet, empty. So busy at times I can't get to sleep at night with different ideas wizzing round, but I just need to sit myself down and get it all together.
I started to keep a notebook in my bedside table to scribble these ideas down for the following day. I think it's working and it seems that I have the best ideas at the most unusual times. It maybe with being a Visual learner, or that lefties are more creative... I don't know.
It just seems that my academic side is lacking whereas my creative is about *beep*...*beep*...*beep* *beep* *beep* -BOOM ~ ..OVERLOAD!