In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
If it's not your thing then I don't mind you not reading, this is just one of those blog post's that I need to write just to vent, to give myself some head space. This may not even make sense. Do you ever have moment's where you think "I am going to blog about such and such" have all these note's and idea's planned but it never comes to fruition. I do, but not today.
Over the past week i've been reading a little into psychology, the Jungian personality test's (scroll down if you want to take it too!), the book "perk's of being a wallflower" and another book on introversion by Susan Cain.
As a person I have always been the 'quiet' or 'shy' one, super sensitive/emotional and usually the odd one, but yet have my opinion's and lots to say to support them. At work if I have ever spoken up about something, the usual response was "oh, it's always the quiet ones!", which i'm sure if you're like me, hearing that annoys you to death. If I choose to be reserved then that is up to me, just because I don't mouth off every 5 second's doesn't mean to say that I don't have an opinion or cannot stand up for myself. I cannot work out people who say that phrase, are they secretly intimidated by people like us? It's their judgement's which make us feel like we have something wrong with us, their assumption's. Idle talk is not my thing, if the subject is worth it I will speak up, if it's about which person is in the tabloid's this week, I won't join in with your banter. Only speak if it is better than silence. There's far too many people talking but not actually saying anything these day's. Just because they can say something they think that they should. I don't see how I should feel like i'm the person with something wrong with themselves. I have always known I am me, it's everyone else who is different, there's nothing wrong with that, I will be me and no one will make me change that.
I maybe a little stubborn too.
“Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.” ― Plato
I am a person who can be quite awkward in social situation's, I admire people who can churn out conversation's and hold them with anyone and everyone. I find I get all anxious, nervy, quickly think of question's to ask this person beforehand and can't help but wonder what the other person is thinking about me, even though I try to make myself 'not care'. Because why should I? I guess it's something to do with an overactive conscience and worrying about them first before my enjoyment, or is it fitting in, into a world where social is everything, where the outgoing are king and judge or overlook people who are opposite to them. Just know that it is ok to not be outgoing, it's just that western society tend to prefer the man of action rather than contemplation, whether it's right or wrong.
I like it when somebody approaches me and starts to converse, which may sound arrogant or selfish, that they have to come to me, but I don't mean it like that. It may just be me not having to break the ice so to say. I generally avoid any social interaction with stranger's where possible. Some people can talk for England and go into every kind of subject with a person they just met, however I think it would be rude of me to ask those particular question's so soon, so I don't ask. Then I feel that people think i'm being rude because I don't ask about such and such, that i'm uninterested but i'm not, i'm just being polite or at least I think I am. That's the over sensitive thing covered then.
This is why i'm so fond of my husband. We are complete opposites when it comes to social interaction and opposites attract, if you haven't heard. I think it's somewhat an English and Arab thing too, which are polar opposite's in themselves. He can talk to anyone, and can have them talking too. I ask him how he does it and he tells me different thing's and techniques to help me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy chatting with friend's, having a meet up, venting, laughing, it's just that after that I like to recharge. Where I mentioned above about people asking lots of question's and I thinking that's a little far, I wasn't talking OTT, what the average person thinks is too far, i'm talking about "what business is your Father in?" "how old is your sister?"...Don't people think these are a little too much, or is it just that i've met some pretty uptight people who seem to have scarred my judgement?
When I watch other people chatting away to people they just met, I can't help but think to myself that majority of it is waffle and fake, what's the point? it can just be so overwhelming. Everybody loves a compliment but I know i'm not going to give you one if it's not genuine as it won't sound believable, and i'm stating the obvious, I hate lies. Therefore, if I do, you know I truly mean it.
Listener rather than a talker, my husband is the talker of us two and I love it that way, of course with my husband I can talk for England too, but only when it comes to something i'm pretty passionate about.
Passion. It's something that I have alot of. Albeit it frustrate's me when i'm unable to complete task's because of my fatigue but passion gets me through alot of the time. Whether it's an amazing new book i've found in which the author completely relates to me, helping my husband with his deen, women right's and how islam promotes that, housework, my art, my job and my friend's. If there's a job to be done, do it right. If not then don't bother doing it at all. This tips over to the near OCD perfectionist in me. I don't mind if something takes me 5 hours to do right, that somebody may do in 5 minute's, it has to be as near perfect as possible. I'm not crazy, I know thing's cannot be 100% perfect, but when i'm happy with it, then that's that. Example, my sister in law's wedding card. I made it. The style of card should have only taken about an hour maybe, mine took all evening. I wanted it to be special, my time, effort and love went into it and I feel it's worth it as I know she will see the work gone into it and that makes me happy.
Friendship. I have few close friend's rather than load's of not so close friend's. I know I am a good friend. I'm the friend who will be by your side, want the best for you and encourage you to do great thing's. Whatever is mine is yours, whatever I wish for myself, I wish for you also. I will admit that one bad habit of mine is delaying replying back to emails, texts, call's etc. I'm sorry. Have you been reading this? socially awkward, even with people I already know, perhaps even more so with people I know. If i get an unexpected call and start to chat, I sometimes end up pacing up and down the room for no apparent reason. Once I say something I inwardly panic and think "what's she/he thinking" or "should I have said that" or "am i inconveniencing them?". I do always try to get in touch but there's this overwhelming circle of emotion that I have and sometimes I genuinely don't know what to say in my reply, why? I don't know. Have you ever had a conversation with someone on facebook in the comment's of a status, and you were the last one to comment and they never reply? That is not good for this un-social butterfly.
I always say, if you're cool, i'm cool, if you mess up, then you are mental to think we will ever return as friend's. Simple. I can forgive but not forget. Somebody once asked "is it possible to truly forgive if you can't forget?", i'd like to think that I can, our memory is there to stop us from making mistake's. The 'mess up' I refer to isn't your average friend drama they are serious, conniving, back stabbing, hurtful event's. Nobody is perfect and i'm understanding if you can't return a text or are late to my dinner party, I actually make excuses for you rather than gossiping, which tend's to be the norm in the social circle's of women. However if you disrespect me, create any lie against me my family/friend's, I will not accept it and you will lose heck of alot more than what you think you gained out of your stunt. Not to end on a bad note, I wouldn't do anything to hurt my friend's intentionally and would be grief stricken if I did unintentionally, maybe this is why I react badly to other's hurting me, high expectation's, as I thought they were a true friend to me and I would never have done the same to them... and i'm pretty much a fabulous friend to have anyway ; )
Self belief and confidence are two different thing's and I imagine each have many sub section's too. An ex colleague of mine was talking to me one day at lunch. He's in a band, has no problem singing and playing guitar or piano on stage to hundred's/thousand's of people but dreaded the day he had to give a speech in a meeting at work. At the time I couldn't work it out and thought he was kidding, this lowkey 'rockstar' was worried about speaking in public, to people he knew?! He said it's just different, I did then wonder about these singer's who have an 'alter-ego' when they go on stage and wondered if he had a similar thing going on, like how an actor gets into character.
Why I bring it up is because I know i have self belief and confidence in most areas but lack in the social part. I reverted to Islam, got married, had my first home, learnt to cook, to be a housewife, started college and wore hijab all when I was 16. I know I have self belief and confidence as I was able to complete all that with Allah's will, it just shows I was more mature before my year's, even then. Practical thing's I can do. When i'm on my own I do great. It's just when i'm in random social interaction's I get exhausted and I know it's not to do with fatigue then. I think with being out of work for quite a while it may have made thing's worse, as I can go days without needing to say very much with hubby working so much too, and as I say, he doesn't really count as he is just like the other half of me, I can say lots or very little and he gets it. By the way did I tell you what my last job was? Unable to find a vacancy in child care, I had to do retention telesale's, I couldn't have picked a worse job to go against my inner grain(!) I hated the job but needed a pay cheque, I never realised it could have this impact on me. Thinking about, I was more outgoing at college, I don't think anywhere near extroverted whatsoever but more so than now.
Introvert: a dirty word?
I was reading a book called "Backwards in high heels" earlier this week. One section talks about the shrink and its acceptance (or not) within today's world. Anyway, one tidbit (the book has lots which is something I quite enjoy) talked of Adlerian and Jungian. I'm not one to skip over something i'm unfamiliar wuth in a book so I googled it and came across the Jungian personality test.
A little sceptical, as it was on the internet, but I took it anyway and I have to say it was very accurate, I would associate those characteristic's with myself. I have taken it twice, once yesterday and once today so any emotional factor's from the day wouldn't hinder it and both times were the same. I want my husband to do it just to see if he really is the opposite! He also likes the idea of being a psychologist with him being such a people person and helping other's.
13% of population. I thought my husband was joking when he told me i'm one of a kind, and an angel who shouldn't be in this world to suffer (obviously not an actual angel, i'm so not worthy of that, and it wasn't said in a chat up line, sleazy kind of way, oh dear, it's a long story, nevermind, forget I said it).
Check...check...wrong, I like competition, i'm actually really competitiive..check...mm, i guess..check...check...woah, "not adventurous", that is completely wrong and the 'change' thing really does depend on what it is, I love some change's, if we were to move to a different country, i'd love it.
The favoured career's does make me smile. I have either done it, or am it, or want to be it. It's so true it's scary. The disfavoured career's are pretty true although I do enjoy film making. I think some were mistaken as my SF were near 50-50 and it's not going to be 100% accurate.
It's funny how I came across that tidbit as I also borrowed "Quiet: The Power of Introvert's in a World that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain from the library. I first found out about it earlier this year, via this video and I knew I had to read 'Quiet' asap! The video gave me a new way of seeing myself so I couldn't imagine how the book would be. I completely understand the comment's that have been left on the video too. As you can see, i'm not as introverted as some, nobody is 100% and we all have our random moment's. I am a child care practitioner after all, so I know loud, I know crazy and I know over stimulation! Remember, introversion isn't always about shyness. Honestly, if you can't get the book, watch the video, you won't regret it. I just need to finish wallflower then I can read it. "Perk's of Being a Wallflower" is a book I had wanted to read for a while (before the movie was released!) as I knew I was a wallflower, a people watcher and I find it funny how I picked all these book's together as they interlink in one way or another.
This isn't to say that all wallflower's, introvert's and overly sensitive people are the same or will be like me. We maybe similar but we are all different in the end. This wasn't a post on trying to fit in or finding my way in life as I already know that. Nobody has the ultimate 'king' personality, even if majority of the world were ENTP that's them and this is us. Many people may want to force themselves to be somebody that they're not but alhamdulilah I am me and you are you. A fellow introvert once said...